Friday, June 19, 2009

Part Two of Come on in and Critique (Warning: Adult Language)

Upon request, I’ve decided to post the rest of the short story I posted on April 19. Here’s the beginning of the story, Untitled if you haven’t read it yet. Below is the rest, so let me know what you think. Your comments mean a lot to me, so please share your thoughts on whether you like it or not and where it failed or succeeded. Also, I don’t have a title for this story, so if something comes to mind let me know, but I want to warn you, if curse words offend you I’d advise you to not read on.

Thanks again for all your support!

The water poured over my face from the showerhead while I tried to remember recent events. After work, I met up with Brandon, my “I’m not sure where we stand” companion. He still causes me to hold my breath when I see him. His trademark walk turns heads, straight shoulders and back, right leg gliding forward then the left coming down hard favoring his right knee from an old injury. He doesn’t need to duck down when walking through doorways, or occupy the entire side of a booth. Brandon has an average build and smothering personality. Our relationship consists of Brandon talking about ‘his’ life, and how ‘he’ feels and what ‘he’ wants as if my mouth was taped shut. And although it’s a one-sided love affair, the thought of saying good-bye to find another outfit terrified me.

I leaned in for a kiss, but he took my arm and led the way to the table. Before I was seated, he began his day’s journal.

“You’ll never believe who I ran into.” A sly smile crept on his face.


“Cheryl.” He sighed from aggravation. “Don’t look at me like that. You know Cheryl, my ex-wife.”

“Oh!” My face began to melt. “How is she doing?”

“Good. Real good. We went out to lunch and got to talking about our marriage, what happened, shit like that.”

My heart pounded out the words. “Is that right? And what did you learn?”

I thought, why did you ask him that question? I said I wasn’t ready for another outfit. This one tapers where sex is concerned and dangles my emotions. Brandon had a natural tendency to lure me in just enough for me to think I could come aboard and then leave me bobbing, unsure of whether I missed his emotions, or he wasn’t able to give me his heart. It’s hard being in an endless sea with only a row boat to rely on. The words ‘give it another go’ brought me back to the conversation, but those words hooked into my memory and I pulled his sentences out again.

“I’m sorry. What did you say?”

He let out another sigh as if bored with the conversation. “I said Cheryl and I decided to give it another go. We gave up on our marriage too soon. We owe it to each other to try again.”

“But what about me? What about owing me?”

“Come on Sharon. We met at a bar, fucked, hooked up occasionally for dinner. A movie. More fucking. Hell, I didn’t learn Parker was your last name until a few days after we met. Neither of us talked about OUR relationship because there isn’t one.”

“We’ve been together for six months. It warrants an explanation one that isn’t geared at tossing me like a letter in a mailbox. I deserve--- “

“Deserve! Give me a break. You’re with me because I look good and I’m a good fuck.”

His snake tongue made others turn to see what was going on. How could two people be together for six months and view the relationship completely different? I felt like a fly under a magnifying glass, large for everyone to see however, insignificant to save.

This is the point where my memory was wiped clean. I shut the shower off so my skin could iron out the wrinkles. The water didn’t arouse my senses, and the emptiness within began to grow. Even the mirror reflected an unfamiliar image. My coconut skin had a grayish tint as though mold began to form underneath. Bulging eyes stared motionless from draining emotions and numb sensations. I turned away from the mirror unable to cope with my new reflection. When I said I didn’t want another outfit I meant another man. Whatever clothes laid on the floor wound up on my body. I had to get some fresh air and find out if this person I’ve become is my imagination or did I gamble my soul to Lucifer?

At least my car still looked of new adventure. Its leather bucket seats were smooth and unblemished. I turned on the GPS system and an address popped up on the screen. It didn’t look familiar. The voice said I had 5 miles to my destination. I hit the steering wheel with my hand at the same time letting out a laugh that increased in volume. The new me and the unknown destination made the laugh deepen and become sinister. I’m going mad. Someone walked by the car and didn’t take notice. Am I really laughing or is it in my head?

I put the car in drive and followed the voice. The sun started to wake, and what normally is a busy street was quiet while the wind cleaned up. I turned onto a road stuck between two cemeteries. The one on the left had monuments and headstones setup like a chess set while the other contained wooden markers, the poor’s only choice for art. It’s been so long since I came down here that it took me a minute to realize my family is buried in the wealthier cemetery. The car automatically turned into the entrance where the gates stood open. I inched the car towards my family’s legacy. As I approached, I saw a fresh burial next to my mother’s place of rest. I got out and shut the door hard enough for the birds to notice. A rose floral arrangement of peach, purple and pink sat atop the fresh earth. I bent down to read the card:

"We’ll miss you Sharon Parker."


  1. i liked it, tot.
    one or two sentences felt clunky to me but wow, well done!
    cool story. the ending took my by surprise.


  2. Thanks, cray. Nice to see you. I’ll have to reread and smooth out any clunky parts. I appreciate your comments and I’m glad you were surprised at the end. Take care.

  3. Thank you for finally giving in and posting the rest of your story, Bea.

    After reading it, I must say it definitely was worth waiting for.

    I like the way you resolved the original mystery, keeping suspense up until the very end, yet at the same time revealing not everything - which leaves room for imagination. But....perhaps you should move that picture a little further down ;)

    The way you enable us to feel Sharon's emotions is quite outstanding and you're real good at writing dialogues.

    Keep going !!! :)

  4. :) I’m glad you liked it.

    I’m assuming you think it should be longer? If so, I’ll see if I can flesh it out some more.

    I truly appreciate your comments, positive and negatives. You’re my reading audience, so your take on things is very important.

    Thanks so much, Jakie.

  5. Bea,

    Thanks for giving us more of the story. I liked your words that gave unique description of Brandon and the things Sharon saw, did and felt. They gave me thoughts of a vivid picture as I was reading. To name a few: Doesn’t occupy the entire side of a booth, snake tongue, while the wind cleaned up, headstones setup like a chess set and shut the door hard enough for the birds to notice. One that really was thought provoking was “another outfit”. I’m seeing Sharon’s search for a man that covers her mentally and physically with what she wants her life to be. Perhaps it’s being with a man that is very attractive to her and keeps her interest going. She’s in awe of him and hopes to win his heart, but he keeps it just a little beyond her reach. So she keeps trying until he makes her hopes unattainable.

    Bea, I’m still not sure what happened to Sharon. Is this her very long dream or did she really die somehow? Will she have another chance to find her outfit?

    Title might be “Sharon’s Mystery”

  6. Hi Veejay, Thanks for the comments and I’m glad you were able to picture my characters and setting through my ‘unique’ descriptions. :)

    Sharon is dead that’s why she doesn’t have any senses. I left the story as is since I wrote it as a short short story, so it doesn’t explain how she died. I guess that keeps the reader wondering.

    Hmmm… Thanks for the title suggestion I’ll have it roll off my tongue a few times.

    I appreciate you stopping by and commenting.