Sunday, April 19, 2009

Come on in and Critique

That's right, come on in, grab an ale, soda/pop, or coffee, read and critique. I wrote this short, short a while back and thought I'd post the first two paragraphs for critique. Do they capture your interest? Would you want to continue reading this story? I'm leaving it up to my blog audience to give me a *thumbs up* or a *thumbs down.* Now take a seat in this lovely pub and let me know what you think.

This morning I woke a different person. The first thing I noticed was the loss of smell, those morning fragrances, such as body cologne embedded in the sheets. But today, nothing! Even when I made a conscious effort at sniffing the air, my nose felt empty, yet my chest rose and fell like an anchored boat. When I attempted to let out a moan, it seems my voice ended its relationship with words. Something wasn't right. Over night, my life turned into a silent movie.

I flung the covers off with my deadened flesh against the fabric. My toes curled to hug the floorboards still nothing left a lingering affect. What happened to my senses? Am I still sleeping? This fear should make my heart rock out heavy metal in my ears, but my head and chest only performed a lullaby. I ran to the washroom and got in the shower hoping to wake my senses from their frozen state.


  1. I'd definitely keep reading, with such an interesting premise. I don't think I've ever read something like this before, a loss of the senses, so I'm intrigued with where you will go with it. How did it happen? How will the character get through her day with no senses? Will her vision fade as well? I'll give you a thumbs up, the concept and writing definitely hooked me. A thumbs up to that gorgeous pub as well.

  2. All right! One thumbs up so far... and for the pub. Enjoy your drink and thanks for stopping by and critiquing.

  3. Okay, Joanne. It looks like you're the only one who is interested in the story, so I guess I wont pursue it. Silence means much. LOL! I appreciate you giving me your input. Take care.

  4. Well I still think you should pursue this story, it's very engaging. Maybe you need to give it a few more days for responses?

  5. You could be right about waiting a few more days, but since I respect your opinion I'm going to pursue it. Thank you for the little boost to get me going, it's truly appreciated. :)

    Have a great day!

  6. A very strong beginning to what promises to be an exciting read. I'd very much like to find out where your creativity has taken you, Bea, so please continue the story and post it here. I'm pretty sure I'm not speaking on my behalf only, but also on behalf of all those 'silent' followers of your blog.

  7. Aw, thank you Jakie. I appreciate you commenting with thumbs up or thumbs down. At least I know others are reading along with Joanne. :D

  8. Hi Bea,

    Sorry a little delayed on this as my hard drive crashed and took a bit to restore all. A new experience as I’ve been lucky in the past. Lessons learned.

    Yes “thumbs up” Thought provoking as I think it’s a dream description, but I want to find out more. Or could be a rare disease like those diagnosed and cured by this excellent Doctor and his team on the medical show I watch.

    Hope you will reveal the rest.

  9. Hi Veejay

    Okay, the old hard drive crashed excuse. ;) I’m kidding. I hope you were able to recover some of it.

    Thank you so much for commenting. I will continue with this small piece, and possibly post some more paragraphs.

    I appreciate you stopping by and again, hope you didn’t lose too much. Take care.

  10. Bea,

    I would like to hear the rest of this small piece. If you will. I know that I'm a pain you know where, but I would like to read the finish.


  11. Aw, that’s sweet Veejay. You’re not a pain. I truly appreciate the fact you read my writing and now you’re asking for more? Okay. Let me dig up that story and start another post. Thanks so much for your interest.